Shepherd’s Pie; lamb, Cottage Pie; beef. When I was a meat eater it really used to get my goat (that pun is shamelessly intended) when people used beef to make Shepherd’s Pie. Because shepherds don’t look after cows. How many nativity play kids have you seen carrying a cow under their arm while wearing old sheets, summer sandals in December and tea towels, in an innocent combination that verges, uncomfortably, on cultural appropriation?  I’m getting sidetracked.

Cottage Pie was surely invented as a cover-all term for alternative types of mince, mainly beef, possibly pork or fowl, or thrifty cooked meat leftovers of all kinds.

This pie is definitely not Shepherd’s Pie and the vegetarian play on words of Shepherdless Pie has a cannabalistic connotation, playful though it is, and it irritates me like the word wacky, or jazzed.

I was going to call this Vegan Cottage Pie then realised that I’ve never lived in a cottage, and I currently live in a semi detached.

Semi Detached Pie has a cold feel.

Detached Pie is even worse.

Bungalow Pie sounds flat, full of haphazard and ill-considered ingredients.

I’ve always thought estate agents were being terribly clever when they advertised the end terrace house as being that little bit better than the mid terrace. An inveigling offer when heard by the deep-seated British class-conscious psyche; the savoir faire that comes with being the effortless, nonchalant and casual semi-detached they call the End Terrace. Just because there has to be an end.

Fin.

Author’s Note: I have enjoyed living in a mid terrace in the past because I am passively nosy and I like being warm. I have never lived in an end terrace. Maybe the reality isn’t quite as good as it seems. This pie is though. Also, this whole piece has been a hyphen nightmare. I still don’t know exactly where they should be. Put your own in. Hyphen Pie.

INGREDIENTS (Serves 2-4)

1 medium onion

1 carrot

1 celery stick

2 tbsp fresh parsley or 1/2 tbsp dried

1 tbsp tomato purée

1 tbsp olive oil

1 400g tin green lentils, drained weight approx. 250g

1 tin or packet of cooked black beans, approx. 400g including their liquid aquafaba (don’t drain and throw the liquid! It’s the thickener.)

300g mushrooms

1 vegan vegetable stock cube

600g peeled potatoes

2 tbsp vegan mayonnaise

Splashes of Henderson’s Relish (to taste)

METHOD

Chop the peeled potatoes into 2 inch / 5cm pieces, place in boiling water on a medium heat. These will boil for the mashed potato topping, during which time you can make the pie base.

Finely chop the celery, onion, peeled carrot, then sauté in the oil over a medium heat for a few minutes, until the onions begin to soften. Finely chop the mushrooms and parsley and add to the mixture. Crumble the stock cube in, mixing well. Add the tomato purée, the lentils, the black beans and their water, the aquafaba, which will thicken the sauce beautifully without the need for flour. Add a few splashes of Henderson’s Relish or a similar vegan product, maybe Mushroom Ketchup, to taste. Traditional Worcestershire sauce contains anchovies.

Stir well and leave the mixture to simmer for 10 minutes. If the mixture looks dry, add splashes if water to keep it moist and lower the heat.

During this time, your potatoes should be cooked. Drain and mash in the 2 generous tablespoons of vegan mayonnaise until the potatoes are smooth. Lick the potato masher. Preferably out of sight. That’s the utensil, to clarify, not the strongest person in the house.

You can use plant-based spread and milk in lieu of butter and milk for the mash if you don’t have any vegan mayonnaise. You may need to add a little salt to the potatoes if so.

Pour the lentil mixture into an ovenproof dish and top with the mashed potatoes, finishing with a fork to pattern the top, encouraging crispy bits when baked.

Place the pie in the middle of an oven heated to 220C/Gas Mark 7/425F and bake for 30 minutes, check half way to make sure the pie top isn’t burning, turn the temperature down if so. Serve with greens and gravy, or enjoy it as it comes.

Message that person who thinks all vegan food is either spicy or bland. Tell them to grab their coat, as the game is afoot.

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